'My dad screwed me and my wife over': Son ices out family after Dad's house down payment gift is less than he imagined

Author image for JR Atkinson
JR Atkinson • Writer and Editor
Jun 1, 2024 8:00 PM EDT

Mixing money and family can be a recipe for disaster. It too often gets entwined with feelings and obligations and the whole thing becomes messy. Though if you're lucky enough to have family that wants to help you out, and can afford to, it can be hard to say no to. Let me be the first to say that it's a tough world out there, financially. 

If you're just starting out, homeownership can seem like the hottest person at the party. They're in the corner, elusive but attractive, always a little bit out of reach. You might be thinking of ways to ask them out, but you're probably too scared to talk to them. "They're not for people like me," you think. I'll be over here renting for the rest of my life. That's the situation one Redditor found themselves in, so when an offer from a family member came in, they couldn't help but say yes. But it turns out it was more complicated than it appeared. 

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    via Rowan Heuvel
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    r/AmltheA hole • 18 hr. ago Leading_Rock_418 AITA for "punishing" my family by no longer doing birthdays, holidays, vacations because my Dad screwed me and my wife over?
    via u/Leading_Rock_418
  • 03
    When my wife and I were talking about getting married, my Dad said that he would give us a down payment for a home. We were thrilled and kept that in mind. We would be able to afford a good starter home with his help, and we scrimped and saved to add to it.
    via u/Leading_Rock_418
  • 04
    Except apparently HE meant "a sum of money good for a down payment for a house near us" where the cost of living is low. He did not ever mean a down payment for a home in Colorado, where my wife and I have lived since we were in college. He said he thought I would be "smart enough" to realize that we'd need to move somewhere with a lower COL than Colorado.
    via u/Leading_Rock_418
  • 05
    He keeps saying "move to a cheaper city." Our lives are here. Our friends, our jobs, our hobbies. You can't exactly leave your house and be up on top of a 14,000ft peak in 6 hours where my family is.
    via u/Leading_Rock_418
  • 06
    I told him that we had never talked about moving back there, and we never would. That we would rather be stuck renting for a while longer than be stuck somewhere we didn't want to be, and the "move to a cheaper city" wouldn't work for us. He said "so be it" and gave us the amount and that was that. I expressed gratitude and thanked him for the money. It is still towards the goal.
    via u/Leading_Rock_418
  • 07
    Well because of this shift in our finances, we have had to make a lot of changes to save up the rest of the money. We have had to cut out vacations, birthday gifts, holidays, etc. We won't be traveling home for a few years. At our current rate, we should have an ok down payment by the end of next year (2025).
    via u/Leading_Rock_418
  • 08
    My Dad confronted us about this because we won't come for a summer break trip and told me that I was being a selfish, entitled brat because I hadn't gotten my way. That I was essentially punishing the rest of the family because we "assumed" what his gift would be.
    via u/Leading_Rock_418
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    I told him that I was grateful for the amount he gave us, but that it means we do need to buckle down and save every penny if we want to be able to afford a house anytime soon. Even townhouses around us are easily over 400k, and that's for the sketchy ones. But is my Dad right? AITA?
    via u/Leading_Rock_418
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    Edit to add FAQ: There was no amount formally discussed. He said "a down payment" and that was that. For my siblings, he paid for college. He paid cash in full for my sister's house, it was $317,000. He did not pay for my college. They are invited to come here anytime, but believe it should be me to go there because I am the one who moved. No, we do not go out to eat, avocado toast, Starbucks, cable, etc etc.
    via u/Leading_Rock_418
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    mercy_fulfate 17h ago info: did he give you the amount he said he would? because if he did i fail to see how he screwed you over
    via u/mercy_fulfate
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    agogKiwi ⚫ 17h ago The problem is the dad said, "a down payment on a house". That is essentially meaningless and subject to interpretation. Is that 10% or 20%? Also, where is the house. My kids bought houses the same year, one on the West coast and the other in the Midwest. The kid in the Midwest bought twice the house for half the price.
    via u/agogKiwi
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    The father said a down payment and the OP looked at the houses he liked and imagined a number. The father looked at houses the father liked and came up with a much lower number. They didn't communicate so they're both ¢ d. Use your words people.
    via u/agogKiwi
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    Molenium 17h ago Your dad "screwed" you and your wife... by giving you money? But less than you had hoped for? If you can't afford to travel, that's one thing, but trying to portray this as your family ng you over somehow... yikes. That's a definite YTA from me.
    via u/Molenium
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    embopbopbopdoowop 17h ago . YTA for framing it as your dad s you over. ing He offered you a down payment for a home. You assumed it would be a certain amount. It wasn't. But he still gave you a generous gift. And now you describe that generous gift as screwing you over. Also, while you're under no obligation to go on family trips, to cut out any visits to them for a few years after your dad gave you this generous gift because it wasn't as much as you were expecting sends a message, whether you m
    via u/embopbopbopdoowop
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    Shouldersandchest • 17h ago Why don't you do some critical thinking and maybe ask them to come visit you this time? Idk, you guys are both a in this situation. Yall need to les communicate better and find a resolution
    via u/Shouldersandchest
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    Skyward93 • 17h ago NTA-I live on the west coast and my family is on the east coast. It is so expensive now to travel. People always expect you to go to them bc you're an a le for leaving but it's really not fair. If you want to save for a house I get not wanting to visit. They can always visit you or offer to help pay travel expenses if they really want to see you.
    via u/Skyward93
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    Emotional-Ebb8321 18h ago • He gave you money, accepting that you would be putting it toward a house where you live now rather than near him. And you respond by, essentially, cutting him out of your life and tightening your belt? ΥΤΑ
    via u/Emotional-Ebb832
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    biffmaniac 18h ago . So let me get this straight. Your dad offered you money, and gave it to you. He'd like for you to move home but that isn't happening. Now, you are struggling with the costs of the area you chose to live in and your punishing your dad for "s ving you over"? Based on what I'm reading here, he gave you what he said he would. Somehow, you feel entitled to more. Either that or it is his fault that Colorado has a HCOL. From what I read, YTA. Make your choices and live with them.
    via u/biffmaniac
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    wittyidiot 18h ago • YTA. Your dad didn't "screw you over". He offered a very generous gift, which you apparently accepted. Then you demanded more and got butthurt. He didn't have to give you a penny, you're a grown married adult. Buy your own fi ig house.
    via u/wittyidiot
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    • Aggressive Cup8452 18h ago You're saving to buy a house so you can't do fun stuff for a year. Backstory was not really needed. Your choices sound very reasonable to me. Your dad gifted you. some money but not the whole sum and he knew this. They have their house. You don't. It's selfish of your dad to make you getting a house about him. NtA.
    via u/AggressiveCup8452

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